Tyler vs. Moose
Tyler and I quickly fell into a happy bachelor routine. We took to apartment life well. He would give the orders and I would follow them. We ate our meals together, he would spend the day in his favorite window, he rearranged his patrols to accommodate the apartment, and he slept at the foot of the bed or on my head on the pillows every night. My roommate Mark, however, didn't take too well to apartment life with a feline landlord.
My relationship with M was my first real taste of Tyler's amazing judge of character. I'm sure other cats are like this, and his successor, Sophie is good at it, but Tyler was the master. If he liked you, you were as good as gold and you earned his trust for life. If he disliked you, you would know it and without fail it was a sign that you were trouble.
Cats just have a sense, as any cat owner will tell you. Tyler just knew.
Tyler did not like M. Not one bit.
He was never mean to her, or hissed, in fact he rarely if ever hissed at anyone. He just got a.....look on his face of total aloofness whenever she was around. He ignored her, slept through her visits, or just went to a different room and.....I don't know....watched TV? Sat in the window? You get the point. He just didn't give a shit about her, and no being on this planet was better at showing indifference than Tyler. No one. He just waited patiently for her to leave. I should have sensed that there was more to his indifference, but I hadn't yet learned to pick up on his signals in terms of women.
I continued to date M. We went on trips together, and did, to paraphrase Paul Simon.....the usual relationship stuff. That included getting engaged, which we did in late 2003. Our engagement gift from her father, a well-meaning former education dean (or something) who still lived in my old Brooklyn stomping grounds?
A dog.
To be specific an apricot standard poodle named Moose. Her father took us to the hamptons not long before I popped the question and at one jewelry store the owner happened to also be a dog breeder. We played with the puppies, not realizing one of them would actually end up living with us in my rapidly shrinking Glen Cove apartment.
Nevertheless, a few days after our engagement her father showed up with Moose.
He was actually a very sweet puppy, and really meant well. The breeder named him Moose because....well....for a poodle he was a Moose! The largest of the litter. As with all puppies, he was energetic, eager to please, and eager to poop and pee everywhere, including in his own crate. I actually enjoyed walking him and taking him to work. I was by then working at a farm museum in Queens, yes there is a farm museum in Queens, it's actually very cool, you should go see it. Moose would run around the grounds and I would let him play with the resident caretakers sheep dog and by the time we went home he would be passed out in the back seat.
What did Tyler think of Moose, you're dying to know?
He hated Moose even more than he hated M.
They never really fought, but Tyler was not at all pleased having to share the apartment with not only a woman, but a dog that was still occasionally using his entire apartment as a bathroom. Tyler was far quieter, far more withdrawn than I'd ever seen him when Moose was there, and would spend hours in the window, ignoring everyone. Dare I say he was even a little depressed? He just wasn't happy about this, and I was too stupid at the time to really pick up on his signals. I gave him as much love as I always did, and he never took it out on me, in fact he seemed to be pleading with me to please send M and Moose away.
"Please human, send them away, it's not going to work out, trust me, I'm a cat, we're good at sensing these things" he seemed to be telling me.
If only he spoke english.
One particular evening with Moose and Tyler is a story worth telling. A friend of M and wife came out to the apartment for dinner and drinks one evening to celebrate our engagement. Tyler, despite his displeasure, was the center of attention as always, greeting the new people and hanging out with us. This couple were photographers, and came to us directly from a shoot, which meant a large backpack full of camera equipment came in with them and was plopped on the living room floor.
Tyler of course made a beeline for that bag. It had to be investigated. That was his job after all. So, he parked himself on the camera bag, sniffed it from end to end, and, satisfied, curled up on it and continued his observation of our conversation. I smirked as I always did at Tyler's "bravery" with the strange person's belongings. Leave it to Tyler to make himself at home on a backpack of all things.
Just as Tyler began to close his eyes.....
Moose ran up to Tyler, convinced the camera bag was some sort of game. If Tyler liked it, Moose thought, it must be something to be chewed or played with!
Every time Moose came within range of Tyler that poor dog got a perfectly timed smack on the head. We all stopped what we were doing and just watched and laughed. Fortunately I had a photographer in the room so wonderful photos were taken and included here.
I mean, look at the determination on Tyler's face!
Finally Moose gave up and walked away, sulking, literally with his tail between his legs.
Later that night, while M was asleep, I snuck into the living room and found Tyler asleep on the couch on his favorite blanket. I kissed his head and scratched his chin. He looked up at me and purred and squinted his eyes like he always did when I would gently awake him with love and attention.
"I get the message" I whispered to him. "Don't worry, I get the message." He sat up, looked at me, and gave me a head-butt and purred even louder.
A few weeks later M and I broke up. Moose went to live with M.
From that point on, everyone I dated had to pass the Tyler test.
Mark was barely home. Between working for the Mets and obligations in Brooklyn, it was a rare event to see him at the apartment. At first I thought it was just being too busy, but perhaps a certain feline also had something to do with his finding ways to never being at home.
My favorite was early every morning, when Mark would get ready for work and the drive to Shea Stadium. Tyler being.....Tyler, meant always needing to be a part of everyone's morning routine no matter how personal, even a shower.
The same thing happened every morning. Mark thought he could have the privacy of the bathroom so he could get ready, Tyler would have other plans. Every morning without fail, he would run ahead of Mark, stand in the bathtub, and just stare, preventing my poor friend from turning on the shower.
Not being a real animal person, it never occurred to Mark that Tyler was a cat and easily portable. He could have been carried out of the bathroom. He was even declawed, so the most damage he could do was knock off your glasses or smack you in the head. Nevertheless, this never occurred to him.
The same thing happened every morning. Mark thought he could have the privacy of the bathroom so he could get ready, Tyler would have other plans. Every morning without fail, he would run ahead of Mark, stand in the bathtub, and just stare, preventing my poor friend from turning on the shower.
Not being a real animal person, it never occurred to Mark that Tyler was a cat and easily portable. He could have been carried out of the bathroom. He was even declawed, so the most damage he could do was knock off your glasses or smack you in the head. Nevertheless, this never occurred to him.
Why would Tyler do this?
Because he could.
Because he was a cat.
Because he knew it drove Mark nuts.
Because he could.
Because he was a cat.
Because he knew it drove Mark nuts.
Every morning, from my bedroom, I would hear Mark attempt to.....negotiate and plead......with Tyler.
"Tyler.....Tyler.....I need to shower."
MEOW.
"C'mon Tyler! You can have the bathroom in 10 minutes, I just need TEN MINUTES."
MEOW. CHIRP.
It never changed.
After a few chuckles, I would call his name and he would prance back into my bedroom.
I swear I heard him giggle once.
After a few chuckles, I would call his name and he would prance back into my bedroom.
I swear I heard him giggle once.
Six months into our arrangement, Mark moved back home. I can't say I blamed him. Some people just don't know how to read cat. We stayed friends for several more years before losing touch. Tyler liked him better as a visitor than as a resident. I did too.
In early 2003 I finally met another girl. I had dated here and there, but took the better part of the past several years off after my girlfriend from the 1990's. The big trend in dating in the early 2000's was that dating had very much gone....online. Being Jewish at the time (more on that in future chapters) I was swept up in the phenomenon that was JDate. I understand that dating is now smart-phone based, but back then it was web based. You wrote a few essays, posted a few pictures, paid what was then a nominal fee, and hoped you stood out from what was an ever increasing crowd of single Jewish males. You wrote messages, got ignored, had benign conversations, had a few bad dates, and hoped someone would strike a nerve.
To protect the innocent....let's call her.....M. This is a blog about Tyler, not about my sordid affairs and dating past, so I'm going to go light on the details of our relationship. We met on JDate and managed to find each other through the endless single male and female Jewish profiles and started a relationship. Only this time I came with a partner in crime......of the feline domestic short haired variety.
To protect the innocent....let's call her.....M. This is a blog about Tyler, not about my sordid affairs and dating past, so I'm going to go light on the details of our relationship. We met on JDate and managed to find each other through the endless single male and female Jewish profiles and started a relationship. Only this time I came with a partner in crime......of the feline domestic short haired variety.
My relationship with M was my first real taste of Tyler's amazing judge of character. I'm sure other cats are like this, and his successor, Sophie is good at it, but Tyler was the master. If he liked you, you were as good as gold and you earned his trust for life. If he disliked you, you would know it and without fail it was a sign that you were trouble.
Cats just have a sense, as any cat owner will tell you. Tyler just knew.
Tyler did not like M. Not one bit.
He was never mean to her, or hissed, in fact he rarely if ever hissed at anyone. He just got a.....look on his face of total aloofness whenever she was around. He ignored her, slept through her visits, or just went to a different room and.....I don't know....watched TV? Sat in the window? You get the point. He just didn't give a shit about her, and no being on this planet was better at showing indifference than Tyler. No one. He just waited patiently for her to leave. I should have sensed that there was more to his indifference, but I hadn't yet learned to pick up on his signals in terms of women.
I continued to date M. We went on trips together, and did, to paraphrase Paul Simon.....the usual relationship stuff. That included getting engaged, which we did in late 2003. Our engagement gift from her father, a well-meaning former education dean (or something) who still lived in my old Brooklyn stomping grounds?
A dog.
To be specific an apricot standard poodle named Moose. Her father took us to the hamptons not long before I popped the question and at one jewelry store the owner happened to also be a dog breeder. We played with the puppies, not realizing one of them would actually end up living with us in my rapidly shrinking Glen Cove apartment.
Nevertheless, a few days after our engagement her father showed up with Moose.
He was actually a very sweet puppy, and really meant well. The breeder named him Moose because....well....for a poodle he was a Moose! The largest of the litter. As with all puppies, he was energetic, eager to please, and eager to poop and pee everywhere, including in his own crate. I actually enjoyed walking him and taking him to work. I was by then working at a farm museum in Queens, yes there is a farm museum in Queens, it's actually very cool, you should go see it. Moose would run around the grounds and I would let him play with the resident caretakers sheep dog and by the time we went home he would be passed out in the back seat.
What did Tyler think of Moose, you're dying to know?
He hated Moose even more than he hated M.
They never really fought, but Tyler was not at all pleased having to share the apartment with not only a woman, but a dog that was still occasionally using his entire apartment as a bathroom. Tyler was far quieter, far more withdrawn than I'd ever seen him when Moose was there, and would spend hours in the window, ignoring everyone. Dare I say he was even a little depressed? He just wasn't happy about this, and I was too stupid at the time to really pick up on his signals. I gave him as much love as I always did, and he never took it out on me, in fact he seemed to be pleading with me to please send M and Moose away.
"Please human, send them away, it's not going to work out, trust me, I'm a cat, we're good at sensing these things" he seemed to be telling me.
If only he spoke english.
One particular evening with Moose and Tyler is a story worth telling. A friend of M and wife came out to the apartment for dinner and drinks one evening to celebrate our engagement. Tyler, despite his displeasure, was the center of attention as always, greeting the new people and hanging out with us. This couple were photographers, and came to us directly from a shoot, which meant a large backpack full of camera equipment came in with them and was plopped on the living room floor.
Tyler of course made a beeline for that bag. It had to be investigated. That was his job after all. So, he parked himself on the camera bag, sniffed it from end to end, and, satisfied, curled up on it and continued his observation of our conversation. I smirked as I always did at Tyler's "bravery" with the strange person's belongings. Leave it to Tyler to make himself at home on a backpack of all things.
Just as Tyler began to close his eyes.....
BARK BARK BARK!
Moose ran up to Tyler, convinced the camera bag was some sort of game. If Tyler liked it, Moose thought, it must be something to be chewed or played with!
Poor Moose, he was no match for Tyler.
For the next THIRTY minutes, Moose tried to get the bag away from Tyler.
He barked.
He tried to get a grip on the straps or the zipper.
He tried ANYTHING.
He lost.
Every time Moose came within range of Tyler that poor dog got a perfectly timed smack on the head. We all stopped what we were doing and just watched and laughed. Fortunately I had a photographer in the room so wonderful photos were taken and included here.
I mean, look at the determination on Tyler's face!
Finally Moose gave up and walked away, sulking, literally with his tail between his legs.
Later that night, while M was asleep, I snuck into the living room and found Tyler asleep on the couch on his favorite blanket. I kissed his head and scratched his chin. He looked up at me and purred and squinted his eyes like he always did when I would gently awake him with love and attention.
"I get the message" I whispered to him. "Don't worry, I get the message." He sat up, looked at me, and gave me a head-butt and purred even louder.
A few weeks later M and I broke up. Moose went to live with M.
From that point on, everyone I dated had to pass the Tyler test.
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